Top 10 Epic Moments of my Nightlife Career

When I was in grad school I found myself in a position that many graduate share – strapped for cash. Working part time during the day and attending classes in the evening just wasn’t cutting it, so I turned to the nightlife industry and began bartending.  It was quick cash and helped me thru some tough times. I got used to the extra cash so I’ve bartended off and on for years and finally evolved into another area of the nightlife industry as a hostess/door person.   

My experience in the nightlife industry has bought about many, many stories of brazen, drunken foolishness that really is made for TV. Finally I’ve decided to let this lifestyle go and as I drift into “retirement” I wanted to share my top 10 most epic moments of my nightlife career. 

10.    Working in the nightlife industry often presents the opportunity to party while you work. One night in particular I watched a bartender take this luxury to a whole new level. While the rest of us were trying to wrap up business at the end of the evening, I watched as her conversations got extremely loud and as she stumbled around the bar trying to “clean” she fell, not once, not twice but THREE times. The last time security just told her to stay down.

9. My mom is an old school mama, but as a new generation with younger parents (sometimes not) come up behind me I find more and more often I’m staring into the faces of someone’s MAMA who has come to the club to celebrate their child’s birthday and effectively teach their kid how to “drop it like it’s hot” the right way.

8. You know you’re drunk when……you get dragged out of the club, unconscious, by 2 bouncers, toes facing down.  HILARIOUS!!!!

7. I used to bartend at a pretty sizeable night club that used to cater to “college” parties which are a different type of beast. These parties attract young people that want to prove that adult they are by consuming the most potent liquor they can purchase and trying to out-drink the next guy/gal.  So one night as I’m working a “college” party a group of guys come up to my bar talking trash to each other.  They decide to down several shots of cognac while reassuring each other that they were fine in the most manly fashion they could muster up.  After a few shots one guy proved to his boys that he was the weakest link as he suddenly PUKED all over my bar.  And Yes – I snatched a little more of his manhood away from him as made him clean up his own puke, I damn sure wasn’t touching it.

6. This is one topic that will surely stir the pot. I respect the LGBT movement (I’m sure that’s not the politically correct way to put that). One evening a dude walked up to me with his hair beautifully locked and pulled back into a neat ponytail. Dressed in a shirt, tie and vest worn with jeans and a full, thick mustache I told him that it was $20 for guys to get into the club that evening. 

That’s when he shrieked at me “But I’m a girl” and that’s when I noticed the small boobs…..REALLY??? So you want ME to respect your transition into manhood HOWEVER when you get treated like one then you want to revert back to being female? Sorry sweetheart, it doesn’t work like that. Pick a side and stay on it. You cannot switch between genders in order to accommodate your situation, that’s not how this works.  Welcome to the other side.

5. I know Usher thought it was a good idea to sing about it but trust me when I tell you if you’re doing it in the club it’s definitely NOT “making love”.  I have lost count of the number of nights I have accidentally witnessed two people (in the words of Big Pun) crushing.  Um, ewwww…..FYI – always be mindful of where you sit in the club. Ladies please make sure that whatever you are wearing is ALWAYS long enough to protect your skin from any surface you may be seated on. You never know what the previous occupant of that seat may have done there.

4. One evening I got hit on by a gay guy. I honestly was not sure if I should have been flattered or insulted but decided it was in my best interest to not think about it too much.

3. Imagine the look on my face the night I looked up just in time to see someone coming into the club wearing…..and iced out Jesus Christ. I’ll let you ponder on that one for a while…..

2. So back to the night club I used to bartend for…..This particular venues used to host all types of functions. It was really a multi-use facility and used to rent out space for private functions such as baby & bridal showers, retirement parties, etc.  One afternoon I had the honor of working at a baby shower for well, I’m not really sure what happened. I wasn’t clear if this poor baby was a result of a one night stand or whether the lovely couple decided to part ways after the woman had become pregnant.  Either way the expectant mother decided she was going to celebrate her freedom from the “dad” and the last little bit of freedom before her new bundle of joy arrived in a bit of a non-traditional way by hiring entertainment for the event – A STRIPPER.  As I watched in disbelief as this nearly naked man humped this pregnant woman I made an executive decision. Instead of judging I decided to take advantage of the fact that this woman had just done me a favor. The stripper was cute therefore I got his manager’s phone number and booked him for my bff’s bachelorette party. I’m pretty sure I’m going to hell for that but so what…

1. Last but not least….You know you’ve had an epic night when you fall asleep at a traffic light, car still in gear in front of the police (NO IT WAS NOT ME!!!)

 

All of that excitement has wiped me out. So for now I bid farewell to the nightlife and resolve to hanging out on my couch with a bowl of popcorn. It is SO much safer here.

HAPPY FRIDAY MY LUVS!!!!!!

WTF!!!!

 

 

Welcome to Fall! Wait, what did you think I meant???  Well anyhoo…..

It’s that time of year again. Summer time is quickly retreating into the sunset as our days get shorter and the temperature gets cooler. We put away the tank tops, maxi dresses and sandals so we can pull out the sweaters, light jackets and our favorite ladies…..BOOTS!!!!

But another huge change takes place along with the seasonal change. It is what my friend refers to as...”Cuffing Season”.  People all of a sudden feel the need to be a part of a “couple”. They begin to reach out, rekindle old relationships, make new connections all in the name of cooler weather.   

As the temperature begins to dip I have begun to receive some really interesting communications.  I logged into my email to find a message from someone that swore me off about 3 years ago.  I got a text message from someone who just a few short weeks ago felt the need to tell me all about his new girlfriend, even wanted to introduce me to her.  Let’s also not forget the abundance of “Hey, how’ve you been?” text messages that have come in from men I no longer keep in touch with regularly. 

What is it about the cooler weather that makes people believe that they need to be with someone? Is it the overwhelming urge to have someone around for extra body heat? Or is the lack of “options” due to the colder weather??  Either way this is shaping up to be an interesting fall. I’ll just sit back and indulge in the foolishness while I affectionately sip on a pumpkin spice latte ;)

In Memoriam

Sept. 11, 2001…no one will ever forget where they were, what they were doing and what they felt when those planes hit two of the grandest buildings in the world. 

It was my second day working part time for a structural engineering firm near Union Square as I worked towards obtaining my Master’s degree. I was excited because I so looked forward to the new school year and this new opportunity that was allowing me to focus on my degree.  The morning was absolutely gorgeous, the air was crisp and the sky was crystal clear. Still trying to get my bearings of the neighborhood I took the wrong train to work and as I walked up University Place towards Union Square I could hear the sound of a plane pass over my head. My initial thought was that the plane sounded a little too low, a little too close, however I was becoming a New Yorker, I dismissed it as a possible movie shoot and kept walking.

There was a man coming towards me and the look that spread across his face literally stopped me in my tracks – confusion, disbelief. I turned to see what he was staring at the looked into a perfect outline of an airliner in the side of one of the towers.  I had missed the initial explosion but there was the outline and a thin trail of smoke. At first people were confused, amazed and I watched as people ran in and out of the camera shop ahead of me to buy disposable cameras so that they can capture this unfathomable moment. 

I decide to continue my trip to work as I was only about a block or so away and as I approached the front of the building was almost flattened by one of the partners from the engineering firm as he ran into the street to view for himself what was happening.  Walking into the reception area I informed the receptionist what had happened and she looked at me in disbelief. As news spread throughout the office my co-workers gathered, hanging out of windows to catch a bird’s eye view of the action. It was not long after a second plane appeared then hit the second tower. That is when it sunk in that this was no accident. Panic set in, we began jumping online to see if there were any reports, trying to call loved ones but by that time cell signals had already been shut down and the land lines were so jammed that the chances of a call getting through were very slim. 

I managed to speak with a co-worker from the company in which I had just left, she lived in Jersey City and was looking for a way out as well. I told her that I had tried contacting my parents and couldn’t reach them and knew they were worried. She took their number and promised to give them a call. I would later find out that the call she placed to my parents’ home was the ONLY one that she managed to get thru successfully. This is when my journey began. 

As reality set that we were under attack the folks in my office were trying to decide how we were going to get out of Manhattan as the authorities had already shut down all mass transit.  It was noon when I left the office and headed uptown, on foot, towards my old office in search of my friend. I walked up from 11^th St. to 41^st Street via Lexington Ave.  It was a long, long, scary walk. Passing cars covered in debris, people walking around looking totally lost, the sirens, the soldiers beginning to walk the street I felt as if I was in the Twilight Zone. I finally reached 41^st St. only to find that my friend already left and headed home to I began my solo trek across town as the only way off the island was by boat. All transit had been suspended.

Walking thru midtown was surreal. It was eerily quiet and in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon, I stood in the middle of Times Square. There was almost dead silence, no people, no cars, absolutely nothing, hell it was so desolate tumbleweed would have almost been appropriate. Everyone was literally running for their lives. I continued my trip westbound in hopes that I could get back to New Jersey.   

As I approached the Westside Highway I realized my journey was far from over. The line to the ferry back to NJ stretched from 41^st Street to 46^th Street and wrapped around 2-3 times over. What was really interesting was that the process was strangely orderly, there was no pushing and shoving, there was no hostility, everyone just fell into line and waited there turn. Reality had sunk in that we were in this together. 

I stood in line for several hours waiting for my turn to board a boat and made friends with the folks standing around me. Waiting with me was a newly engaged man who told me all about his fiancé as we waited and also a woman who escaped the towers with a nice sized gash in her shoulder that she earned as she fell down the stairs trying to run for her life. There were injured people, people covered in soot and we stood, together and shared our stories as we watched Manhattan turn into a war zone. There were F16’s flying over head and Hummers full of soldiers holding M-16s driving past, us racing towards what would used to be the site of the Twin Tower and would later be named Ground Zero. 

Finally it was time for me to board the boat. The constant chatter amongst the waiting passengers ceased and silence took over.  My emotions began to take control as I began to feel guilty for leaving the island knowing there were multitudes of people that were being left behind. Me and my two new friends stood together and watched Ground Zero burn in silence and we made our way across the water and after being dumped in Weehawken we said goodbye, wished each other well and boarded our respective buses to go on to complete our journeys home. 

My bus dropped me at Hoboken Station and I was then able to take a train back to my town and took the last few minutes of my walk home to soak in a bit of solitude. I will NEVER forget the look on my mother’s face when I walked thru the door, it was at that point that I knew that even though my friend had called to tell them that I was ok they still were not sure that I wasn’t dead.  

After talking to my parents for a while I went to bed. I slept for a while but the nightmares took control, the first of many that I would have for months to come. The next day even though I wished that the nightmare from the day before had actually been a dream, my aching body quickly reminded me that it had very much been a reality. 

I don’t tell my story often as I feel very silly doing so. I didn’t lose a loved one, matter of fact I didn’t know anyone that died. However on Sept. 11, 2001 my life changed drastically. That naïve, safe bubble I had been living in had been burst. The world had changed and NO ONE would ever be the same.   

So on this day of reflection I continue to pray….I pray for those that lost their lives in the Towers, in the Pentagon and in that field in PA. I pray for the heroes that gave their lives that day and continue to give their lives as they deal with the effects of working tirelessly at Ground Zero. I pray for the families of those who lost their lives. I pray for our armed forces as they continue to fight for our freedom and protection daily. And lastly I pray for myself….that one day I can finally be at peace.

Amen.

I must have stupid stamped on my forehead….

As a woman we often have to deal with the reality that we live in a very chauvinistic society. I work, pretty darn hard if I may say so. Therefore I bought a car, one that I thought I liked VERY much but from the time of purchase until now I have encountered numerous challenges dealing with this vehicle simply because…..I’m a woman.

When I decided it was time to buy a new car common sense did kick in. As independent as I’d like to be – I don’t know everything (shocking, I know) so I asked a male friend to accompany me to the dealership. I fell in love with a particular vehicle, my friend said mechanically it was fine, then I sat down to speak with the finance manager. I listened as this person, another woman, began to pick me apart, seemingly for kicks. She gave me an entire speech on how she couldn’t get me anything lower than a double digit interest rate, not because of my credit, but because supposedly my income-to-debt ratio was too high. I politely explained to her that I had attended two private colleges and hadn’t had any trouble obtaining a mortgage with that same amount of debt.  

What came next was completely unexpected. She launched into a whole tirade about people purchasing vehicles that they should not have, about how a mortgage is easier to obtain because you cannot hide a home (you do the math on that one), etc., etc., etc. It was then that I decided she would not profit off of this sale, I gathered my belongings and left.  

I did purchase the car but did not finance thru the dealership. Assuming this was a one- time incident I decided to continue my relationship with this establishment and maintain the vehicle thru their service department under the misconception that my customer loyalty would earn me great service. I had no idea what lay ahead.   

Since purchasing the car, I have been charged several different prices for brakes, been sold bad tires and the best was when I took my car in to have the “shifter bezel” (the piece placed around the gear shift that indicates what gear you’re in) replaced because one day while driving it just popped out of my console.  When I questioned the client service manager as to why something like this would happen on such a high end vehicle, his response? “You must be shifting gears too hard.”  Needless to say my attitude kicked into overdrive and I very curtly replied to him “In case you haven’t noticed – I drive an automatic, not a stick shift.” 

Now in what is my “last stand” with these jerks the gloves have officially come off. Unfortunately someone decided to run into my PARKED car one day while I was out running errands.  So I took the car to my body shop and the foolishness immediately started. The owner refused to give me a quote for the damage. His stance was, “I’ll take the car if the insurance adjustor comes to the shop and does the estimate here.” Whatever, so I take my car BACK to my dealership and got the quote I needed. The body shop manager put on the performance of a lifetime, acted like he was my advocate, informed me that he would go to bat for me if the insurance company didn’t give me enough money.   

So…after getting the check from the insurance company for the damages done to the car I dropped the vehicle off at the dealer to have the repairs done. As the body shop manager drew up my paper work he asked to see the estimate to verify that the cost of a new door was covered, I complied, it was definitely MY mistake. He handed me a scope of work that stated the car was having the damage to the left side of the car repaired and had me sign. At this time I asked him to also replace a light that was out which was indicated on the dash when the car is turned on. 

This is where it gets fun….next day I get a phone call from the insurance company stating that they are cutting me a check for additional funds to cover the extra parts needed to complete the scope of work. Now – let me point out here that the insurance company had already paid me about $700 more than the quote given to me so I was curious as to WHY the dealership needed more money and didn’t come and ask me.  Lo and behold they had taken it upon themselves to do EXTRA work to the vehicle that I didn’t ask for (remember – I have a copy of the scope of work that was supposed to be done).  I tell them anything beyond repairing the damages from the accident was not authorized and they were NOT to do any additional “repairs”.  The manager mumbled something about giving me a call back. I tried reaching him again that day and received no response.

Next day this jerk calls me and tells me that a lot of work had already been done and he still is going to charge me a bit extra than we agreed But the car was ready for pick up. I arrive to pick up my car after work and of course he’s gone. I ask to speak with someone and was led into a service manager’s office. He reviewed all of the paperwork and said he didn’t understand what had happened either because I clearly had a document stating the scope of work but unfortunately I had to speak with the body shop manager, he wasn’t of any authority to change the price and that he couldn’t release my car to me unless I paid the requested amount.

So I paid to have my car released to me because at this point it was a Friday evening, I didn’t want to be without my car all weekend AND I no longer trusted them with my vehicle.  After leaving the dealership I went to dinner with a friend and by the time we were leaving it had started to get dark.  When I turned on the car that’s when I noticed…..the light I had requested that the dealership to change was still out.  Now fuming I decided to inspect the entire car and found that my damaged mirror had been put back on the car. The only “repair” they had done to the mirror was washing off the other car’s paint.   

The following Monday morning I FedEx’ed letters to both their corporate offices and directly to the dealership requesting that this situation be rectified. I want a portion of my money to be refunded. I mean really? You charge me extra for work I didn’t ask for but didn’t bother to complete the scope of work that I DID ask you for. How does that work?  It’s been about 2 weeks and I haven’t gotten a response from the dealership at all.  Therefore it’s time to kick this fight into gear. 

What frustrates me the most about this situation is what I feel is blatant sexism. Had I been a man walking into this dealership I would have immediately gotten the respect that I deserve. I wouldn’t have to deal with any passive-aggressive banter about not knowing what I was getting into when purchasing a luxury car, selling me sub-par parts and offering half-ass explanations to my questions.

I don’t have a man paying my car note OR coughing up the cash for maintenance expenses so I should be treated with the same level of respect that they receive for these services.  And since I can’t get my way…..we’re heading to court. This WOMAN is coming for ya…….

 

 

 

All About Me.....

Navigating my way thru my 30’s I have developed this very acute awareness of this underlying expectation that people “my age” should have children. The looks, the questions, the confusion encountered regularly are disturbing to say the least. I don’t have the plague, I just don’t have children.  At “my age” I no longer romanticize the notion of giving birth to another human being. At “my age” I have come to recognize that this is a person, not a thing, not a pet. Life would change drastically, and suddenly I’d be responsible for molding someone into a functional/productive human being.  

No longer will I be able to just drop in to a happy hour after work with my co-workers. I will need a baby sitter to catch a movie on Sat. night.  I’ll have to sacrifice my designer handbags and shoes for diapers and daycare.

Babies grow into toddlers, then comes grammar school, pre-teens, then teenagers. Homework, school projects, ballet lessons, soccer practice, sick days, ER runs. They gain personalities, form opinions and somewhere along the line they swear they know more than you even though they are not paying a SINGLE bill in your home.  Moody girls, getting first periods and learning to navigate boys. Hormonal young boys, discovering and exploring their “junk”, aggression and trying to prove that they are the alpha male in the home. I’m not ready…..

One might think that my stance is really selfish HOWEVER I have been changing diapers and caring for children since I was 6 years old. Coming from a large family that was primarily raised in the south, you are expected to assist with younger siblings and cousins.  I gained a brother not long after I turned 6. From then thereafter I was “Mommy’s little helper”. It was cute because when he was born he was about the size of my Cabbage Patch kids, as far as I was concerned he was one of my dolls. 

The novelty of having a younger sibling began to wear off when he began to walk and get into my stuff, even more so when he became school age at which point it became my responsibility to be a third caretaker as my parents worked different shifts and there was a point during the day when neither were home. It wasn’t until I was a junior in high school that I was truly able to join an extra curricular activity at school because it was then that my brother became old enough to leave home alone for short periods of time.   

My junior year of high school was also when my goddaughter was born. I instantly fell in love with her and where I went, she went. She was my sidekick, my ace, my #2. Because of my love for this kid I became a “parent by default”. I loved her like my own and would give my right foot to make sure she had if her mom didn’t have it to give. I changed diapers, bought diapers, I’ve done 3AM feedings, wiped noses, tended to scraped knees, the birthdays, the holidays and most recently watched as she proudly accepted her diploma as a new high school graduate! All of this while trying to complete my own education and growing into adulthood myself.

With that said I feel like many newly liberated parents (actually I have for a few years) FREE!!  I can travel like I never have before, late nights, partying, coming home to a quiet home to a glass of wine and SLEEP!!!! I feel like I’m 18….so……therefore I’m hesitant to “start over”. I LOVE my life the way it is, the ability to come and go as I please and to worry about no one but ME!!!  I don’t feel the overwhelming urge to reproduce, to have someone walking around that looks like me, to be responsible for someone else. I am not married, I am not in a serious relationship and honestly there are things I have yet to do that will be hindered by having a child.

So for now, I won’t stress. I’ll enjoy my life. The shoes, the bags, coming home to a quiet house and a glass of wine after a trying day at work, I’ll travel to the ends of the earth if I can (you can tell I watch Pirates of the Caribbean right?). And IF I meet someone special before I am incapable of reproducing then MAYBE we’ll have a serious discussion about procreating. 

But until then….It is ALL ABOUT ME. Don’t believe me? Count the number of times “I” is referenced in this post ;)

 

There has been a shift in the force.....

I’ve noticed that people from different regions have very different ways of dealing with the “issue” of personal space.  Recently on a trip to LA I noticed that people like to stick a little close, as if there’s a certain type of security that comes with sitting close to someone.  For example if a bar is fairly empty chances are a person will come in and sit in the empty seat right next to you instead of the cluster of empty seats across the bar. My co-worker offered what may be a little insight to this issue…..in a town where the goal is to be seen, I guess this is the way to do it. They get a pass….I guess.

Southern Hospitality is real! In the south people also tend to be less space conscious. People are friendlier, they are more likely to strike up a friendly conversation, they touch when they speak which also means that chances are they are more likely to have less regard for any personal space. FYI – expect a hug and/or kiss on the cheek when you greet someone and also when you say goodbye.

Now in the Northeast there’s a very different approach. New Yorkers are rude, they mind their own business, they travel with ear buds and generally have no interest in what’s happening right next to them. Even though NYC is generally WAY over populated, I’ve always been in awe of the fact that when on the street you never really feel too crowded. People understand that a certain amount of distance is required in order for one to feel secure. When people violate this unspoken spatial law, it does make New Yorkers a little unnerved – particularly because they feel like there’s always potential for your pockets to be picked. 

With that said, I have noticed that there have been some changes in “the force” here in NYC.  As I stood outside of the deli across the street from my job patiently waiting for my co-worker to get her lunch a gentleman approached me.  Now….the guy approached me to give me a sales pitch on a new physical therapy facility that was opening up in our neighborhood, or so he says.  He however was standing SO close to me during this sales pitch that I could feel his breath on my cheek.  I decided to step back, but as I did he also took a step - forward.  I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry because anyone that passed us on the street had given us an awkward glance because they were not sure if we were having a discussion OR if he was preparing to assault me.  Finally my co-worker appeared which gave me the perfect opportunity to end the conversation on a semi-polite note and retreat to the safety of my office at which time I felt the need to disinfect.

 

Not even two days later I decide to revisit this same deli for my own lunch.  I am not a fan of the lunch time rush so I generally make my lunch runs prior to noon. As I stand around waiting for the cook to fulfill my order in this EMPTY deli another customer walks up to the counter and also places an order. Any other day this action would not have been disturbing however today it took a weird turn when after completing his order he then proceeded to stand pretty much shoulder to shoulder with me as we waited for our lunch.  Of course for me, panic set in, I could feel my blood pressure rise and I began to sweat, something wasn’t right, he was too close, I didn’t feel safe. LUCKILY at that very moment just before I felt the need to react…the cook produced my order, I quickly paid and once again retreated back to my office.

My proclamation – I am a New Yorker by default. I expect you to maintain at LEAST an elbow’s length worth of space between you and I at ALL times. When you speak to me please maintain a respectable distance, no one should think we are a couple, ESPECIALLY if I don’t even know you.

  

**As I sit here writing this it has suddenly dawned on me that maybe I should stop patronizing this particular deli SMH.**

 

Public Service Announcement: My Top "Don'ts" of Dating.......

There is nothing easy about dating. The apprehension, the pretentious facades and the courting (or lack thereof).  Trying to feel someone out, hoping that their personality meshes well with your own, the disappointment when one realizes that it just isn’t meant to be and the even bigger disappointment when you realize that you have to start the search all over again. I understand that I am in my thirties however my patience has gotten a lot shorter on certain practices amongst the current dating population. There are certain habits that should be avoided in my age range. The following are a few examples of what NOT to do when attempting to date someone over 30:

1. Online dating is difficult enough, trying to think of a unique approach to introduce yourself to someone new by way of a message can be very difficult. What do you say?  How do you put your best foot forward?  How do you make a good first impression?  I’ll tell you what NOT to do…..I am NOT a teenager, please do not send me short hand/text coded messages. It took me several days to figure out what “wyd”, “hru” and “hmu” meant. I am an adult, please write to me in full words and complete sentences. 
2. Please do not ask me to send you additional “Pics”. I’m not sure why this is such a huge issue. When first meeting someone why is it necessary to exchange personal pictures? Especially when you’re not even really acquainted with the party that you’re requesting the photo from? When you create an online profile you are asked to post photos.  Any additional photos are truly unnecessary and I feel like asking for more is a bit stalkerish.

          Some of the reasons that I’ve gotten for this obnoxious requests are as follows;

 A)  “I need a picture to put on my phone with your contact so I know who you are when you call.”  Really?  Because apparently your phone will not work without a picture of me next to my phone number.  Also, I get that this is “online” dating but you just indicated that you have SO many people contacting you that you need clues to help keep tract of who’s who…..And running the risk of showing my true age, what did you do when your only source of communication was a land line? House phone? OR remember the time when all you did from your cell phone was place a call??? However did we survive??

B)  “I need a picture because people create fake profiles so I need to verify that I’m speaking with the same/correct person.”  So……let me get this straight, after taking the time to create fake profile I’ll suddenly have a change of heart because you, a complete stranger, asks me to send you a recent pic of myself and send you a “real” photo?  Please stop, just stop, that is the most ridiculous, pot of crap I’ve EVER heard. I would respect you more if you were just honest about your reasoning. You’re asking for a photo because you’re trying to see if I’m now fat and bald.a

3. Sending me “selfies”.
   
    I get it, you think you’re hot. However I don’t need 100 bathroom mirror shots from you throwing me your “sexiest” faces.  Sending me pictures of all of your weekly activities aren’t a turn on either. I have a life, I don’t need a play by play of yours.  Pics of you in the park, you driving to work, you at the bar, you getting dressed to go out and FYI pics of your “unit” are NEVER ok, EVER….THANKS IN ADVANCE.
4. Delayed responses to text messages.  The purpose of a text message is to get whatever it is that I need to say to you quickly, without a long drawn out conversation. Text messages should be an easy remedy to our ever increasingly busy schedules.  Therefore if it seriously takes you 2 days to respond to my messages then either you’re not really that interested OR you are already involved in a “situation”. Please delete my number.
5. Calling past 11PM and before 10AM when we are not seriously dating.  If you are not waking up next to me in the morning we do not have anything to discuss between the hours 11PM and 10AM.  Unless you’re dying then it can wait and even then, you may want to call someone else.
   
    
6. Asking if “I miss you” when we’ve never physically met.  Why would you think this is ok? I don’t know you, we’ve never met, we’re either inboxing or you’re my text message buddy. I don’t know you so NO I don’t miss you. If you think that I should you may want to consider seeking professional help. You’re issues reach a lot deeper than anything I can be of any assistance with.
7. Pick up lines, Sweet Jesus I hate these.  Please note that I am not the typical female. Recently I received the following message:

how is the loveliest of the lovelies doing today
are you shy
or just terrified of falling in love

Um what? I’m confused….who said I was shy or terrified of falling in love? I’ve never even exchanged messages with this guy. He doesn’t know me. Do women really fall for this BS?  I’m not that woman, you cannot talk the panties off of me. Do you have a name? What do you do? How many children do you have?  I’m more interested in THOSE types of messages than I am in messages regarding well…..absolutely NOTHING.

Yes I am aware that this is not a “Top 5” or “Top 10” list….this is all I’ve got for now, 7. Dare to be different.  Until next time ;)

 

Someone Killed Cupid

After a few failed relationships or “situations that simulated a relationship” I decided to try something new or at least new to me. A few friends of mine have taken a leap of faith and tried online dating and have had some amazing results. I know at least 2 awesome couples that met as a result of meeting online. Therefore I decided to put my reservations aside and join the online dating pool and to say the least…. the results have been quite “interesting”.

First of all let me get my disclaimer out of the way by saying that I don't take folks seriously anymore anyway. Therefore when this guy I started chatting with began talking crap to me about a woman’s role I really took it as a joke.  He informed me as to how he needs a woman to propose to him, how women desire to be tamed, etc, etc, etc. I found it amusing because there was no aggression behind the statements, I just felt like he was trying to provoke a response.  We agreed to meet in the city on a Sunday evening and he managed to get there about an hour before I arrived supposedly because he had taken the train in from Brooklyn, wasn’t sure where he was going and didn’t want to be late (I initially thought this was a sweet gesture).

We hung out for about 2 hours, had a few drinks, a light dinner and great conversation. We went thru the usual formalities of discussing the topic of dating in general, even going as far as to share war stories about women he’s been out with that didn't even have enough money to get a metro card to get home, etc. He told me that he hates when people put up a front, post pics of all the things that they have and really are doing badly.  We then went on to other “small talk” topics such as what we had done over the weekend. He told me all about his wild Sat. night, how he had spent several hundred dollars out drinking and had a great time. I’m sharing these details for a reason. Wait for it….

Now here's where it gets sticky. I noticed it was getting late so asked for the bill.  When it arrives he continues to talk not acknowledging that it’s on the table. So I ask him "how much do I owe you" to be polite because I feel at this point if your argument is that a woman has her place and desires to be tamed then YOU need to be able to handle certain responsibilities correct?  This fool tells me the full amount of the bill. I start to laugh, pull out cash ask the waitress to get me change and I give him $50 which is still MORE than what I should have owed because I only ordered $25 worth of stuff and the bill was about $84, it shouldn’t be my problem that he was sitting around drinking for an hour before I arrived.  So after I give this jackass the cash, he gives the waitress a card right? Why was the card denied?????? 

Um yeah....I looked at him like "now what" because honestly I could have settled the bill but I did NOT want to deal with that. YOU are the dude here, the dude that claims that women have their place and a desire to be tamed and you can’t manage to handle an $84 dinner? WTH????  I'm not sure how he handled the outstanding bill but supposedly it was handled. 

Finally we go to leave (because he never bothered to get up out of his chair when I arrived) WHY was I looking clear over this dude's head????????????????   So you're short AND broke??? If you’re going to flex your Napoleon complex AT LEAST have your act together. No, no, no.....thanks but never again. It’s a wrap for this guy, on to the next questionable date and praying that the next is better…..

Thank God my parents taught me to be an independent woman. Moral of this story, NEVER leave home without cash in your pocket and a way to get home ;)