When I was
in grad school I found myself in a position that many graduate share – strapped
for cash. Working part time during the day and attending classes in the evening
just wasn’t cutting it, so I turned to the nightlife industry and began
bartending. It was quick cash and helped
me thru some tough times. I got used to the extra cash so I’ve bartended off
and on for years and finally evolved into another area of the nightlife
industry as a hostess/door person.
My
experience in the nightlife industry has bought about many, many stories of
brazen, drunken foolishness that really is made for TV. Finally I’ve decided to
let this lifestyle go and as I drift into “retirement” I wanted to share my top
10 most epic moments of my nightlife career.
10. Working in the nightlife industry
often presents the opportunity to party while you work. One night in particular
I watched a bartender take this luxury to a whole new level. While the rest of
us were trying to wrap up business at the end of the evening, I watched as her
conversations got extremely loud and as she stumbled around the bar trying to
“clean” she fell, not once, not twice but THREE
times. The last time security just told her to stay down.
- My mom is an old school mama,
but as a new generation with younger parents (sometimes not) come up
behind me I find more and more often I’m staring into the faces of
someone’s MAMA who has come to the club to celebrate their child’s
birthday and effectively teach their kid how to “drop it like it’s hot”
the right way.
- You know you’re drunk when……you get dragged out of the club, unconscious, by 2 bouncers, toes facing down. HILARIOUS!!!!
- I used to bartend at a pretty
sizeable night club that used to cater to “college” parties which are a
different type of beast. These parties attract young people that want to
prove that adult they are by consuming the most potent liquor they can
purchase and trying to out-drink the next guy/gal. So one night as I’m working a “college”
party a group of guys come up to my bar talking trash to each other. They decide to down several shots of
cognac while reassuring each other that they were fine in the most manly
fashion they could muster up. After
a few shots one guy proved to his boys that he was the weakest link as he
suddenly PUKED all over my bar.
And Yes – I snatched a little more
of his manhood away from him as made him clean up his own puke, I damn
sure wasn’t touching it.
- This is one topic that will surely stir the pot. I respect the LGBT movement (I’m sure that’s not the politically correct way to put that). One evening a dude walked up to me with his hair beautifully locked and pulled back into a neat ponytail. Dressed in a shirt, tie and vest worn with jeans and a full, thick mustache I told him that it was $20 for guys to get into the club that evening.
That’s when he shrieked at me “But I’m a girl” and that’s
when I noticed the small boobs…..REALLY???
So you want ME to respect your
transition into manhood HOWEVER when
you get treated like one then you want to revert back to being female? Sorry
sweetheart, it doesn’t work like that. Pick a side and stay on it. You cannot
switch between genders in order to accommodate your situation, that’s not how
this works. Welcome to the other side.
- I know Usher thought it was a
good idea to sing about it but trust me when I tell you if you’re doing it
in the club it’s definitely NOT “making love”. I have lost count of the number of
nights I have accidentally witnessed two people (in the words of Big Pun)
crushing. Um, ewwww…..FYI – always be
mindful of where you sit in the club. Ladies please make sure that
whatever you are wearing is ALWAYS
long enough to protect your skin from any surface you may be seated on.
You never know what the previous occupant of that seat may have done
there.
- One evening I got hit on by a
gay guy. I honestly was not sure if I should have been flattered or
insulted but decided it was in my best interest to not think about it too
much.
- Imagine the look on my face the
night I looked up just in time to see someone coming into the club
wearing…..and iced out Jesus Christ. I’ll let you ponder on that one for a
while…..
- So back to the night club I
used to bartend for…..This particular venues used to host all types of
functions. It was really a multi-use facility and used to rent out space
for private functions such as baby & bridal showers, retirement
parties, etc. One afternoon I had
the honor of working at a baby shower for well, I’m not really sure what
happened. I wasn’t clear if this poor baby was a result of a one night
stand or whether the lovely couple decided to part ways after the woman
had become pregnant. Either way the
expectant mother decided she was going to celebrate her freedom from the
“dad” and the last little bit of freedom before her new bundle of joy arrived
in a bit of a non-traditional way by hiring entertainment for the event – A STRIPPER. As I watched in disbelief as this nearly
naked man humped this pregnant woman I made an executive decision. Instead
of judging I decided to take advantage of the fact that this woman had
just done me a favor. The stripper was cute therefore I got his manager’s
phone number and booked him for my bff’s bachelorette party. I’m pretty
sure I’m going to hell for that but so what…
- Last but not least….You know
you’ve had an epic night when you fall asleep at a traffic light, car
still in gear in front of the police (NO IT WAS NOT ME!!!)
All of that
excitement has wiped me out. So for now I bid farewell to the nightlife and
resolve to hanging out on my couch with a bowl of popcorn. It is SO much safer here.
HAPPY FRIDAY MY LUVS!!!!!!
